It’s easy to give moral lectures on the Pune Porsche incident. Allegedly, a drunk-17-year-old boy from an affluent family crashed a Porsche at high speeds into a bike, killing a young man and woman. There are so many wrongs in the previous sentence. A 17-year old boy isn’t supposed to drive. A 17-year old boy isn’t supposed to drink (in Maharashtra, where the incident occurred, the drinking age is 25). Nobody at any age is supposed to drink and drive. And yet, this Porsche Boy did it all.
He is a juvenile (4 months short of 18), and was tried as such. In such cases, his parents are liable. Porsche Boy himself was eligible for bail, which he obtained almost immediately, along with an assignment to write a 300-word essay on road safety. The optics were terrible. A drunk son of a rich builder, driving around a 2-crore car killing two IT professionals – a young man and woman, and devastating their families forever. Massive outrage followed. There were calls for stricter, harder, more painful and immediate punishment for the accused, even if he was a juvenile. Pubs across Pune have been shuttered. All this outrage helps vent out some emotions. None of this unfortunately, solves the underlying problem.
Solving this won’t come from stricter, harder and more draconian juvenile laws alone. The real problem and solution may lie in the way we bring up our kids. India’s per-capita GDP, and sheer numbers of affluent Indians, has grown mani-fold in the last few decades. While economic prosperity is to be celebrated, it brings with it certain high-class problems, a key one being – bringing up kids in an affluent setting.
Parenting is hard, for anyone at any income level. There is no user manual, standard operating procedure or even a best practices guide. We can end up being too strict or hard on the child, hurting their independence and growth. We can also be too lenient, which could translate to the child having no idea about boundaries, acceptable behavior and discipline. Now imagine this leniency is a setting of affluence, where no material want is declined. Where parents think love means providing more resources, money and services. Where supporting the child is about removing each and every obstacle from the child’s path. What you end up with is a bratty, entitled child, used to getting whatever he or she wants. You end up with excessive consumption, underage drinking, underage driving, entitled behavior and yet deep down, a deeply unhappy child, brought up in an environment of zero struggle and constant seeking of pleasure. This so-called ideal luxurious life is in reality a recipe for disaster. Even if this crash didn’t happen, the Porsche Boy was already an alcoholic (his own claims as per reports). He was drinking at 2am in pubs in the city spending lakhs on alcohol alone. Over time, there was a pretty high risk of him moving on to harder drugs, as alcohol stopped giving him the same highs. This same high-chasing, thrill-seeking behavior is probably why the 17-year old ‘needed’ a Porsche to drive at high speeds. When you have no challenge, purpose or meaning in life other than to spend and consume wealth in decadent forms, you are heading to a life of disaster sooner or later.
Affluent parents need to work extra hard to bring up their children well with good discipline and values. Throwing material objects at the child is not love, it is callousness. Allowing a child to drink too soon isn’t being lenient or cool, it is being irresponsible.
Parenting is about striking a balance between two things – empathy and boundaries. We must acknowledge our child’s feelings. ‘Yes beta, I know you must be feeling bored,’ is fine and empathetic. But at the same time, one also needs to say ‘Don’t be on your phone for hours to kill boredom. Play a sport or read a book.’ That’s setting boundaries. Or another example: ‘Yes dear, I know other kids wear expensive brands and you must feel small,’ is empathy. ‘However, I can’t buy you designer bags because you are too young,’ is boundaries. Or: ‘Yes, Porsche is great amazing cool car to drive!’ is empathy. ‘No dear, you absolutely cannot have a Porsche. Focus on your studies and other goals and not on driving sports cars,’ is boundaries. ‘You are not to drink,’ is boundaries. ‘You can never drink and drive,’ is also boundaries. No boundary setting was done in case of Porsche Boy. Similarly, there are lakhs, if not millions of affluent Indian parents who succumb to their child’s emotions and whims. They give in in the name of love or to avoid a fight or to not spoil their relationship with the child. However, remember this – setting the right boundaries will never spoil your relationship. In fact, our children want us to set fair boundaries that help them navigate the world.
From Industrial empires, political parties and Bollywood, Santaan-moh, or child-attachment is massive in Indians. However, good child rearing is not maximum indulgence. It is to offer love and support but also set rules and boundaries. The Pune Porsche case is an example of when this empathy-boundaries imbalance went horribly wrong. Let this be a lesson for all the rest of us. We parents need to bring up our children better. And children or grown ups, please never, ever drink and drive.