So, 12 of our athletes failed doping tests. Isn’t the universe kind of conspiring against the CWG? These Corruption-Wali-Games, as kids have started to call them, can’t get anything right. The lootfest, the war zone look for Delhi (a world war wouldn’t cause Connaught Place to look like it does now), leaking stadia and rampant dengue/malaria epidemics it seems like even the powers above don’t want these Games to happen.
As if that wasn’t enough, we had these pill-popping athletes who wanted to bulk up their six-packs before the show. Apparently, the coach said in defence: “We didn’t know this was banned.” Oh, so innocent. I mean, something that sounds like methyl-hexaneamine could just be an evening snack. Mr Coach, whenever you are making your troops eat something that starts with methyl-hex-whatever, wouldn’t you check? Anyway, lame excuses and cover your backside is the cornerstone of how the Indian government and its staff of millions function. The coaches are no exception.
However, we shouldn’t punish the methyl-hexa-poppers. They are merely doing things in line with the tagline of this year’s Games corrupt, pollute, tarnish and take shortcuts. These are disparaging words, but frankly reflect more of what India is fast becoming. It is time we openly acknowledge this, and even celebrate this fact.
In fact, i propose that India patents and hosts the world’s first ever Drug Olympics. In these, all drugs will be allowed or even encouraged. Imagine the entertainment. World records will be broken in no time. Steroids will allow 500-kg weightlifters (look mom, one hand!), drugs will create eight-second 100 metres sprinters. Scary sounding compounds packed in cute, colourful pills will create 10-metre high-jumpers and 1,000 km long distance runners. A pill-popping ceremony will precede the countdown for each race. Dedicated coaches will carry catheters and syringes to supply whichever molecule goes missing. In the uncomplicated world of Indian Drug Olympics (nicely abbreviates to I DO!), there will be no dope tests and the money saved can directly go into the organisers’ pockets.
And talking about money, imagine how profitable these Drug Olympics will be. Global pharma companies will sponsor this in an artificial heartbeat. They can own athletes like car companies own Formula One racing teams. Each athlete will have his favourite drugs, which they can endorse on TV and sell to a billion people, who in turn can consume them and hope to have six-packs at sixty.
Now, to really add challenge to the competition, let’s allow one more thing corruption. After all, we don’t want it to be simply about who has the best chemical (our pharma companies won’t win then, they usually only copy medicines). Hence, add a second layer of drama allow innovative corruption ideas. So the weight you lift will say 500 kg, but will only be 100 kg in reality. This is because you bribed the company who made the weights. And that’s allowed. In fact, you can manipulate stopwatches to improve your timings, have incorrect markings on high jumps it’s all fine. It will be rewarded with gold medals (impure gold though, just to match the theme). There will be a hall of fame for the top drug users and the most innovative corruption ideas. And, of course, the best will get jobs at high levels in the Indian government.
I know you are thinking, what am i talking about? Have i also ingested some of the meth-hex-sex stuff? What about sport? What about the true human talent, endurance, zeal and drive that these competitions celebrate? Aren’t these athletes supposed to be role models for the youth?
Well, given where Indian society is today, i think hard work and talent are wrong qualities to inculcate in our children. Why pretend to them that this is what it takes to succeed? You don’t need zeal and drive. You need connections, palm-greasing skills, ability to talk nonsense through accusations and a ruthless ability to fill your pockets. You can do a lousy job, loot public money nothing will happen to you. The CWG looters are still running the show, apparently because the Games need to happen. Essentially, the inmates are running the asylum.
It is hogwash and, frankly, it won’t take much to do a speedy trial and toss half-a-dozen people in jail. And in any civilised country in the world, that is what would have happened. But in India, we reward the corrupt and connected and punish the hardworking with inflation and taxes and by stealing their money. Might as well make sporting events reflect our true culture.
I hope people realise the message we are sending to our kids when we let the Games go on without anybody punished. We are telling them corruption is OK, it is part of Indian life. We grew up like that, and that is why we are somewhat numb to it. If the government punishes people swiftly (and before the Games), our children will know that what is wrong was not tolerated despite the circumstances. The government can do the right thing, and make CWG the milestone where corruption reforms started. Or we can let the party continue. But in that case, don’t forget the drugs.
September 11, 2010 (The Times of India)