Last week, I saw a wonderful film called Mary Kom, a biopic based on our real-life champion boxer Ms Mary Kom. The film, helmed by Priyanka Chopra, had many things going right for it, and not just in the technical aspects, where everyone has done a fabulous job.Ms Kom’s journey is fantastic material to begin with, and the film team has done a great job in bringing the inspiring story to life. Interestingly, the biggest challenges for the protagonist are outside the boxing ring. The hard parts aren’t the punches in the face, but things like having your parents agree to your career choice, marriage, pregnancy and motherhood. The challenges of normal life that make it hard to chase a dream. The fact Ms Kom trumped all this and won is what makes her an icon.
However, there is another star in the story. It is Mary Kom’s husband, Onler Kom (played impeccably by Darshan Kumaar) who becomes her rock-solid support at all times. From cheering her in the boxing ring to changing diapers at home, Onler doesn’t let Mary’s dream die. He puts his career on the backburner, sends his wife to practice and rocks their twin infants to sleep. Not surprisingly, the endearing Mr Mary Kom won as many hearts in the audience as his spouse. Several girls in the audience swooned, “What an amazing husband!“ Everyone falling in love with Onler had me thinking. Mr Mary Kom was great, but isn’t that what millions of Indian women do for their husbands every day, anyway? Say the movie was about a male boxer, with a supportive wife who took care of the kids, would we ever gush over her? Don’t we all know couples where the wives have taken a backseat in their careers so their husbands can do well instead? Why is it that a husband who helps out in the kitchen and takes care of the kids is termed `amazing’, while when a woman does it, she is merely `doing her job’?
There was a time jobs involved high manual labour and perhaps men were more suited to the workplace. Today, it is a different world. How many male readers of this article do a job that a woman couldn’t do instead? And yet, when a woman sacrifices her dreams and career for a man, it is expected of her. When a man does it, the reaction is somewhere between `Has he gone crazy’ to `He is awesome’.
It is time all this changes. If India has to move ahead, we have to optimize our resources, and women are half of our human resources.We have to help them reach their full potential too. And it is about time we men bring a little bit of Mr Mary Kom within us.
How can we do that? Well, here are three ways you can be Mr Mary Kom, or a supportive husband.
One, listen and see your wife as a human being first; not as woman, wife or your parents’ daughter-in-law. Your wife is an individual. And individuals have individual dreams, opinions, motivations and points of view. You may or may not agree with all of them, but are you at least aware of them? Your wife may want to reach the heights in her career, or she may want to completely be there for the kids, or perhaps she wants a good mix. Do you know what she wants? And how are you helping her achieve that?
Two, be fair in parenting responsibilities. And no, `kids are your responsibility while I make the money’ is not fair. Kids have two parents. You are one of them. You have to do your bit.
Three, strive to make your partner the best person they can possibly be. This need not be just career related. Maybe your wife has fitness goals or wants to learn something or improve her social relationships. Are you helping her? Is there a role you play in her life for achieving her dreams, even if it is to patiently listen to her insecurities?
The above suggestions are by no means exhaustive. A lot of being supportive is intuitive.However, it does take courage for an Indian man to truly be there for his wife. This is because our sexist society mocks men who back their wives, almost implying a sense of weakness in them.However, I hope the new Indian husband will not be so insecure. Being a supportive husband doesn’t make you less of a man or hen-pecked or weak. It just makes you a better, cooler human being. And don’t forget, any Mr Mary Kom is just as much of a champion as Mary Kom.
However, there is another star in the story. It is Mary Kom’s husband, Onler Kom (played impeccably by Darshan Kumaar) who becomes her rock-solid support at all times. From cheering her in the boxing ring to changing diapers at home, Onler doesn’t let Mary’s dream die. He puts his career on the backburner, sends his wife to practice and rocks their twin infants to sleep. Not surprisingly, the endearing Mr Mary Kom won as many hearts in the audience as his spouse. Several girls in the audience swooned, “What an amazing husband!“ Everyone falling in love with Onler had me thinking. Mr Mary Kom was great, but isn’t that what millions of Indian women do for their husbands every day, anyway? Say the movie was about a male boxer, with a supportive wife who took care of the kids, would we ever gush over her? Don’t we all know couples where the wives have taken a backseat in their careers so their husbands can do well instead? Why is it that a husband who helps out in the kitchen and takes care of the kids is termed `amazing’, while when a woman does it, she is merely `doing her job’?
There was a time jobs involved high manual labour and perhaps men were more suited to the workplace. Today, it is a different world. How many male readers of this article do a job that a woman couldn’t do instead? And yet, when a woman sacrifices her dreams and career for a man, it is expected of her. When a man does it, the reaction is somewhere between `Has he gone crazy’ to `He is awesome’.
It is time all this changes. If India has to move ahead, we have to optimize our resources, and women are half of our human resources.We have to help them reach their full potential too. And it is about time we men bring a little bit of Mr Mary Kom within us.
How can we do that? Well, here are three ways you can be Mr Mary Kom, or a supportive husband.
One, listen and see your wife as a human being first; not as woman, wife or your parents’ daughter-in-law. Your wife is an individual. And individuals have individual dreams, opinions, motivations and points of view. You may or may not agree with all of them, but are you at least aware of them? Your wife may want to reach the heights in her career, or she may want to completely be there for the kids, or perhaps she wants a good mix. Do you know what she wants? And how are you helping her achieve that?
Two, be fair in parenting responsibilities. And no, `kids are your responsibility while I make the money’ is not fair. Kids have two parents. You are one of them. You have to do your bit.
Three, strive to make your partner the best person they can possibly be. This need not be just career related. Maybe your wife has fitness goals or wants to learn something or improve her social relationships. Are you helping her? Is there a role you play in her life for achieving her dreams, even if it is to patiently listen to her insecurities?
The above suggestions are by no means exhaustive. A lot of being supportive is intuitive.However, it does take courage for an Indian man to truly be there for his wife. This is because our sexist society mocks men who back their wives, almost implying a sense of weakness in them.However, I hope the new Indian husband will not be so insecure. Being a supportive husband doesn’t make you less of a man or hen-pecked or weak. It just makes you a better, cooler human being. And don’t forget, any Mr Mary Kom is just as much of a champion as Mary Kom.